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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random |
#299054 (1312/1444) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Aforwolf> ANNA
<Aforwolf> ANNA
<Aforwolf> COME HERE
<Aforwolf> I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING FANTASTIC
<kinganna> ?
<Aforwolf> if we speak in a code
<Aforwolf> where we change every letter to the next letter of the alphabet
<Aforwolf> anna becomes
<Aforwolf> boob
<kinganna> I think we should stop being friends. |
#279301 (1389/1619) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<yoshi> Why someone just rode by my house playing a William Tell overture on a trumpet at 7 AM in the rain, I will never know. |
#295480 (1429/1611) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<@Tenor> 'Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML'
<@Tenor> I'm going to be that type of parent
<@hsimah> who would have sex with you? |
#4265 (1461/1970) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy. |
#297775 (1189/1367) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Pryoidain> Did I tell you guys my cop story?
<asaph> No, Pry.
<Pryoidain> Okay so..
<Pryoidain> I get hungry one day, and I tell my mom I'm heading out.
<Pryoidain> She tells me to pick up a watermelon from the farmer's market while i'm out.
<Pryoidain> So I do, and I notice the KFC across the street is open.
<Pryoidain> Being someone who pays very close attention to gas usage, I make the logical choice and get some KFC.
<cjk> ...oh boy...
<Pryoidain> Yep. I turn down king and flip the radio dial, and during my fumbling I speed up to 55.
<Pryoidain> King is a 45.
<Pryoidain> so I fly by this cop, who promptly pulls me over.
<Pryoidain> The cop...is BLACK.
<Pryoidain> He walks up to the window, and asks the question.
<Pryoidain> "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
<Pryoidain> I just...leaned back so he could see the watermelon and the fried chicken in the passenger seat.
<Pryoidain> the cop damn near pissed himself laughing. He laughed for a solid five minutes.
<Pryoidain> I then...got off...WITHOUT A TICKET. |
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Open call for science fiction prose/art
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#300704 (1487/1641) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<ebert4> i dun thnk th assinments in 4 2moro
<kajx> lol kk
<kajx> i ws lik shiting myslef
<Scrawl> The English language is dead at your feet, blood leaking from the chainsaw wounds in its chest as you ejaculate over its mangled corpse.
<ebert4> wtf dud |
#142667 (1180/1514) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Turra> the 5th element is awesome
<Kar> Boron?Comment: #TGi
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#188970 (1518/1706) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<G-Flex> I was stealing wifi once and got into the people's router and I just like
<G-Flex> wound up upgrading their firmware |
#302079 (1153/1281) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<+Toujiron> Probably best day.
<%Misty> What happened?
<+Toujiron> I have this felt super mushroom hat, right?
<+Toujiron> I wore it out today because I'm ridiculous
<+Doak> awesome
<+Toujiron> My roommate left his work boots at home and called me to ask me to bring them to him at work, because he wouldn't have time after class.
<+Toujiron> So on my way there, I go through an intersection I usually don't because I don't have a reason to go near there, and the setting sun is in my eyes, so I have no idea that there's a stop sign there.
<+Toujiron> I am immediately pulled over by a city patrol car.
<+Toujiron> The cop walks up to my window, looks at me, my hat, and listens to my speakers for a second which are playing a rainbow road remix.
<%Misty> Please tell me he broke down laughing
<+Toujiron> Without even asking me for my ID, he leans in and says, "Son, when there's a stop sign in front of you, you have to stop hitting the golden mushroom. I know it'll disappear, but it's the law, alright?"
<%Misty> Oh that's even better
<+Toujiron> Before I could even answer that he told me to drive safe and walked away.
<+Neo-Kamek> lolololol
<+Toujiron> I have never been so entertained to be caught breaking laws.
<+Doak> Best.
<+WingedBeaux> my wife just loled at that story tou
<+WingedBeaux> is there an opposite to f my life? cause that would be it right there |
#64104 (1522/1706) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<pipo> ...um.
<pipo> ... kids these days ...
<pipo> just came from the strangest conversation with my little sister
<niccolo> ?
<pipo> she's reading the comics
<pipo> and she asks me
<pipo> "hey what's 'friendship-with-benefits?'"
<pipo> so I give the big brother response
<pipo> "it's a physical relationship, without any commitment"
<pipo> mind you, she's 11 and I don't want to get into much detail with my sis
<pipo> anyway she was quiet for a moment
<pipo> and then she goes
<pipo> "ok so like f***buddies then?"
<michelle_113> ...
<niccolo> dude wtf |
#296712 (1530/1702) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Xyzyxx> Random fact, I kinda dislike internet-based communications like irc and forums because while I'm typing my response to something, 13 other people have responded
<so|crates> type faster?
<taiga> Type..
<taiga> yeah. |
#80430 (1143/1269) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Rocky> awesome! script done
<Rocky> simple but useful know what i mean?
<Rocky> if you type !song, you can view what i'm listening to
<Rocky> try it
<Rocky> oh shit wait
<Siege> !song
* Rocky is dancing to brazilian gal fucks horse MUST-SEE awesome porn slut rape bitch bestiality hot porno jpg mpg mpeg jpeg great scat whore [53:24m/371Kbps/44KHz]
* Quits: Rocky (grapes@40597861.8D6CA4AC.718E664C.IP) (Quit: )Comment: irc.cheatlist.com #warez
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#146700 (1547/2001) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Tigerlilley> Well, this isn't a full sex story but it was still pretty embarrasing:
<Tigerlilley> I'd just gotten out of the shower, and walked into the kitchen to grab a drink. Theonly thing in there was milk.
<Tigerlilley> Because I am retarded
<Tigerlilley> I spilt it all over myself
<Tigerlilley> So I'm in my underwear, white stuff all over my chin, neck and chest
<Tigerlilley> and my flatmate walks in
<Tigerlilley> looks at me
<Tigerlilley> and says
<Tigerlilley> "goddamn thats some scary de ja vu"
<Tigerlilley> :( |
#10626 (1570/1908) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<CompuMan> The tragedy of Canada is they could have had British culture, French cooking, and American technology, but instead they got American culture, British cooking, and French technology. |
#302091 (1101/1205) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
PH: Note to car companies. Don't put "Best in class" and "In a class of it's own" in the same commercial. |
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#297753 (1584/1738) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Seth> We were out fishing one time, and I was like, "So what would you do if I was dating your daughter?"
<Seth> And he goes, "I'd kill you."
<Seth> Straight faced, too. ;(
<Seth> And then he pulls out a knife, still straight faced.
<Seth> And then goes, "Just kidding man. She already told me."
<Seth> I damn near shit myself. ;< |
#140216 (1085/1201) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Pit> I take off your shirt
<Pit> undressing you slowly
<Pit> you're a girl, right?
<dest> no :|
<Pit> I put on your shirt
<Pit> quickly
<Pit> and leave |
#125764 (1065/1237) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<rob89> windows is being a bitch >_<
<Trinexx> Install Linux.
<rob89> no. i use windows for all my work
<Trinexx> Linux would be better for that.
<rob89> besides, i like being able to play a game or two
<Trinexx> Linux has games.
<rob89> im not getting linux. windows has great support, ill have this fixed in no time
<Trinexx> Linux has better support.
<rob89> if you say "linux" one more time, im gonna send you a virus
<Trinexx> Good fucking luck. I'm on Linux. |
#137652 (1062/1180) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Trinexx> Foster brought a client down to the basement today
<Trinexx> I was wearing that fucking hat they decided to make me wear
<Trinexx> my hair in a ponytail
<Trinexx> this shiteating client sees me, thinks I'm a chick
<Trinexx> says "hey baby, are you having fun?"
<Trinexx> I ignore the asswad
<Trinexx> he walks up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder, and repeats the question
<Trinexx> I turn around, look him dead in the eye, and say in my deepest voice possible "Yeah honey, now that you're here"
<Trinexx> guy nearly jumped out of his skin |
#73141 (1062/1172) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
jaymouse: friend's kid
jaymouse: little kid
jaymouse: he was scribbling on this paper, and I was just sitting there watching him
jaymouse: well I was bored so I join him, just scribbling random shit
jaymouse: he looks at me like I'M the idiot
jaymouse: I'm like wtf
jaymouse: ...he was writing in fucking arabic |
#5304 (1621/2238) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<pdksh> jesus h christ
<pdksh> 'i got tired of that screensaver on that other computer so i turned it off'
<pdksh> my sister hard-shutdown my bsd box.
<pdksh> in the middle of a kernel compile.
<pdksh> not to mention that the little blinky light on the hub was annoying her
<pdksh> so she pulled out that wire too
<pdksh> ...
<pdksh> and she managed to rip a wire pair out of the wire.
<pdksh> yet she wants to be a cs major in college.
<dmaster-> I would beat her into a coma
<pdksh> dmaster-: im about to. either that or change her aim password so she jumps off a bridge.
<bob354> pdksh: haha a cs major?
<pdksh> bob354: yeah... 'i like to surf the internet and chat on aim to all my friends all the time so im good with computers and im good at that microsoft wordart. mom said i should go to computer school like you!' |
#294961 (1623/2017) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
[jenna] *hsus: hey i got a question
Rask: yes
[jenna] *hsus: i thought hawaii was like, warm? and alaska was like cold? so how is that since they're right beside each other?
Rask: is this a real question
[jenna] *hsus: yeah, why?
[jenna] *hsus: ive always wondered that.
Rask: like are you being serious
[jenna] *hsus: like sarah palin was always like ohh alaska is cold i shoot moose and i can see russia...
[jenna] *hsus: but then hawaii is all like warm and shit with little chubby chicks belly dancing.
Rask: worldmap
[jenna] *hsus: so i was like, they're so close together, how is the... uhm, climate or w/e so different?
Rask: see where hawaii is?
Rask: see that part off canada that says USA?
Rask: thats alaska.
Rask: its like, six thousand miles away from here
[jenna] *hsus: oh god.
[jenna] *hsus: this is like that time i thought new england was like a... place beside england... kinda like new mexico and mexico... but new england is really a bunch of states.
[jenna] *hsus: everytime they're on a map they're right beside eachother though
Rask: you should probably spend awhile staring at this map
[jenna] *hsus: That bitch is lying ,you cant see russia from alaska, not possible.
[jenna] *hsus: unless it wraps around or something?
Rask: are you saying the world is flat
[jenna] *hsus: wait so do you like have the same president we do?
[jenna] *hsus: no. i mean i think its round.
Rask: this is a joke right
[jenna] *hsus: dude. i quit school.
[jenna] *hsus: wtf do you think
Rask: in 2nd grade?
[jenna] *hsus: uhhh, we dont have map studying in school anymoree
Rask: the world is round yes |
#115317 (1632/1792) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Zemyla> Did I tell you about what my friend Joe did in auto shop?
<Zemyla> He was working with an arc welder, and the welder tip got stuck to the metal.
<Zemyla> He knew this was a bad thing, so he grabs a hammer and hits the metal to get the tip off.
<Zemyla> Then when he pulls back, lightning arcs from the metal to the hammer.
<Zemyla> The teacher notices this, and yells, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
<Zemyla> And Joe bellows, "I AM THOR!", brandishes the hammer, and shocks the fuck out of the guy next to him.Comment: #cmc on Nightstar
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#305330 (1039/1161) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Hadley> PONY WANNA SEE MY DICK
<Pony> no, hadley. I am strictly in the vagina business
<Hadley> Pony: you should consider expanding your market! i have some brochures about the penis market, if you'd like
<Pony> why have more penis if you already have one yourself
<Pony> it's like buying a second iphone. it's pointless and not usefull
<Hadley> Pony: like the iphone, a penis lacks multitasking, which is where investing in multiples comes in handy
<Pony> then it's still overkill, hadley. the second one should be an ipad or ipod in that case
<Hadley> Pony: so... if i get the analogy correctly... you're only interested in a penis if it's twice as big as your current one?
<Pony> yes
<Hadley> THEN HAVE I GOT GREAT NEWS FOR YOU |
#296866 (1033/1141) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Pryoidain> I just spazzed on some poor telemarketer, and then orchestrated it to my advantage
<Pryoidain> I picked up my cell phone
<Pryoidain> he said something about vacuumes
<Pryoidain> and I just made this series of loud noises
<Pryoidain> then held the phone away from my face, and yelled in my normal voice
<Pryoidain> "JESUS HE'S GOT THE PHONE!"
<Pryoidain> then dropped it and fumbled it a few times
<Pryoidain> then picked it up, and very calmly said
<Pryoidain> "Nathanial Private Mental Services, How may I help you?"
<Pryoidain> I heard a click, and that's the last I think I'll ever hear from them |
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