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#294500 (906/1014) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<MurderMachine> So did I ever tell you the story of how my parents met?
<DryBones> Nope.
<MurderMachine> Well, there are two versions I guess.
<DryBones> How?
<MurderMachine> The story my Mum tells is: A group of idiots pushed her over while ice skating and my Dad heroically went over and helped her up.
<MurderMachine> The story my Dad tells is: He paid a group of idiots to go push her over so he could go heroically help her up.
<DryBones> ROFL
<MurderMachine> I have been paid not to tell her. |
#283880 (906/1030) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
Her: please answer honestly, yes or no, k?
Him: Go on.
Her: why do people make fun of blondes?
Him: Yes. |
#300792 (902/1008) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<SterlingSilver> We got our report cards back last week. I'm not so great in school, so I did a D in one class. But I was totally okay with this when I realized that with the S (satisfactory) in chorus and the S in study hall, the first 6 grades on my report card spell "BADASS." |
#160168 (903/995) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<rbrown11> dude
<anon> ?
<rbrown11> i'm in the student center
<rbrown11> there's this guy in front of me, he looks EXACTLY like you
<rbrown11> should i say something?
<anon> it is me you fucker |
#114349 (904/1054) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<curgoth> We are the canadian borg
<curgoth> please wait to be assimilated
<curgoth> resistance would be impolite
<curgoth> pour l'assimilation en francais, presse sur "2" |
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#32920 (903/1007) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
(Mootar) morons.
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer |
#28804 (903/1003) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<danamania> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<danamania> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<danamania> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<gelfie> don't they have stickers on them that say they could explode or catch fire by doing that?
<danamania> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first. |
#300697 (901/1033) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Green> So I got in my car
<Green> and there was birdshit on my windsheild
<Green> so i got a paper towel and got out to wipe it off
<Green> but it wouldn't come off
<Green> and thats when I realized it was on the INSIDE
<Green> I had a hard time getting to sleep that night |
#121252 (901/1025) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<StarRinger> I just thought of something
<StarRinger> when you download stuff online, its pirating
<StarRinger> but when pirates steal something, its noisy and brash with many dead bodies and cannonfire and immediate seizing of property
<StarRinger> if anything, downloading things on the internet, silently it by bit? its more like ninjaing
<narg_smash> Piracy! YAR
<StarRinger> you can start calling it piracy the day someone sends a cannonball into the RIAA building
<narg_smash> I accept your challenge, sir.
<StarRinger> Excellent. |
#297918 (900/1022) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Fyad> When I bought siemens cellphone, siemens sold its cellular section. When I bought yakumo screen, yakumo got bunkrupt. When I bought fujitsu-siemens laptop, siemens sold its share.
<Fyad> Just curious what to buy next...
<r_heart> apple
<hoobsta> Apple
<sailo> apple |
#260967 (899/1057) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
Dexi: so..... I got a black eye at work today...
Grim: haha how?
Dexi: you know how in cartoons when someone steps on a rake, it comes up and hits them in the face?
Dexi: yeah that really happens. |
#297712 (897/999) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
[Talaxia] you fucking nerd
[Fugue] no room to talk, hypocrite
[Talaxia] stfu
[Arilla] You just called someone a nerd, at 3 in the morning, on a video game, on a character named after a planet from star trek.
[Talaxia] ....
Talaxia has gone offline. |
#118822 (894/1020) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
cycon365: autistic kids rock
cycon365: we're all afraid of him shooting us, so we take that into account and just try to talk and joke with him
cycon365: he talked with us and our teacher and kept making "your mom" jokes
kyo212: lawl
cycon365: we got tired of him talking in general so we tried to curb his "mom" jokes
cycon365: so we were like, "dude, you shouldn't make fun of people's moms, my mom could be dead"
cycon365: and the kid goes, "no she's not", so i look at him and go, "oh yeah, how do you know"
cycon365: and he quickly replies, "cuz she was awesome in bed last night"
kyo212: gawd, you got pwned by an autistic kid |
#261933 (884/1072) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<elDiablo> I HATE MENUS
<elDiablo> MEN FUCKING US
<elDiablo> ...
<elDiablo> Wait a minute
<Xarlaxas> ?
<MaximusBrood> Typo of the day.
<elDiablo> Quiet you |
#301010 (880/980) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Vivisector> I kind of lol'd when the Tibetan restaurant closed down and turned into a Chinese restaurant |
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#297192 (879/971) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<aestetix> This is more of a good birthday present idea which lead to my mate getting dumped by his GF.
<aestetix> She couldn't afford buying him a bday present, so she gave him a bunch of slips for meals, massages, blowjobs etc.
<aestetix> She dumped him because for weeks he'd pull out a blowjob slip everytime they'd have an argument. |
#295184 (877/1025) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<teresah53> uninstalling shit.. brb
<Foxhill> you could just say you were going to the toilet like the rest of us |
#302132 (870/962) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<scgtrp> guys!
<scgtrp> someone make me fall asleep :/
<PhantmShado> ok, once upon a time
<PhantmShado> there was a guy named scgtrp
<PhantmShado> and it was late
<PhantmShado> but he wasn't asleep
<PhantmShado> so he went to irc
<PhantmShado> and was all "guys! someone make me fall asleep :/"
<PhantmShado> so a guy named PhantmShado said
<PhantmShado> "Once upon a time
<PhantmShado> there was a guy name scgtrp
<PhantmShado> and it was late
* Dritz has kicked PhantmShado (no recursion)
<scgtrp> i was enjoying that story >:( |
#296968 (869/959) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<rmrfResume> So let me get this straight.
<rmrfResume> You built a linux system from scratch using hardened GCC
<rmrfResume> secured the whole system with RSBAC
<rmrfResume> Developed private chroots for each and every service ran on it
<rmrfResume> which include an http, ftp, smtp, pop3, imap, irc, and dyndns server
<rmrfResume> WITH mail filtering and dynamic mysql databases for each service
<rmrfResume> with the mysql daemon in its own chroot
<rmrfResume> then did same system networking for the whole lot
<rmrfResume> and had everything running in a single night?
<Pryoidain> I do cocaine.
<cjk> oh
<asaph[Away]> WOW
<rmrfResume> suddenly it all makes sense. |
#223767 (864/992) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Scrumps> Hm... how do you log a user out remotely?
<ShinCS> sniper rifle |
#62116 (856/946) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<@Pie> unemployment rocks
<@Commander> you got fired?
<@Pie> long story
<@Commander> well, you're not going anywhere |
#229087 (856/968) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<%kimini> best toilet graffiti i've ever seen
<%kimini> "I hate 2 things in life; irony and graffiti"
<%kimini> i shat myself laughing
<%kimini> but i was in the toilet, so it was ok. |
#65605 (843/951) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Burningmace> I had a customer in hysterics today at work
<+KPR> how come?
<Burningmace> Well, we sell lots of things that have different types, so sometimes you can buy assorted packs
<Burningmace> He was buying some flavoured condoms... assorted ones, so the computer automatically prepends "Assorted" to the start of it
<Burningmace> So I put it through and hand him the reciept and he checks it and starts laughing
<+KPR> huh?
<Burningmace> I took a look at the reciept, and because the line didn't fit on the paper, it'd truncated the first word.
<Burningmace> So he'd bought some Ass Flavoured Condoms.Comment: It's a laugh a minute at Lidl
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#105771 (835/953) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<alpha>: girls that care about money don't interest me
<alpha>: girls smarter than me do
<Bryant>: girls smarter than you hide their interest in money
<Bryant>: and you cant tell
<Bryant>: because they're smarter than you |
#270887 (832/994) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Betty> So, wanna go see a movie tomorrow
<Sokol> NO! I toled you, i haev a girlfriend!!!
<Betty> I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU STONED FUCK!!! |
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