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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..10111213141516..559Next> |
#78929 (730/824) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<riko> dammit this has gotta stop.
<Baph> ?
<riko> my stepdad's been using my computer, going on porn, and saving it onto my desktop with the filenames set as numbers so i don't know what it is and i have to click on it to check.
<Baph> I thought your stepdad was gay?
<riko> precisely. |
#301722 (728/844) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<Trinexx> so, while my girlfriend was taking a dump last night
<Trinexx> I burst into the bathroom wearing a rubber Nixon mask, waving around a meat cleaver
<Trinexx> while screaming "I AM NOT A CROOK"
<Trinexx> it was hilarious
<Trinexx> on a semi-related note, I slept in the living room last night |
#237793 (728/824) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
JZarnecki: So I hooked up with a girl for the first time in like a year. She wasn't anything great to look at, but I'll take what I can get.
JZarnecki: Her occupation was USPS delivery.
JZarnecki: We eventually get down to business and I'm fucked up drunk and wearing a condom, but still manage to cum almost immediately because it had been so long. I pumped like 8 times it was terrible. She was pissed
JZarnecki: Anyways, the next day when i wake up shes already gone and i shit you not, there is a "Failure to Deliver" notice from her stuck on my door.
EJAYwarrior42: Give me her new number, I need to invite her to the league of internet superheroes. |
#33036 (727/841) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<@brassica> hehe my penis slowly rolling off my desk and when it falls off its going to hit my cat
<@brassica> err pen is |
#303421 (725/949) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<boikpark> The guy was found dead in his apartment with his penis in a jar of peanut butter, apparently.
<Sohcahtoa> Well it sounds like that guy...
* Sohcahtoa puts on his sunglasses
<Sohcahtoa> ...was fucking nuts.
<Sohcahtoa> YYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH |
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The London Vandal Store, you should check it out.
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#300771 (725/793) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
[Marcus] : So I'm filling out an injury report for one of our stunt men...
[Greta] : Oh no what happened?
[Marcus] : He busted his nose in a stunt no big deal it happens. But the answers for the questions on the forms...
[Marcus] : How did the employee injure himself: his head was getting pushed into a toilet.
[Marcus] : Would this be a common work place injury: yes
[Marcus] : Statement made by employee: it's ok john, next week I get to hit you with a car |
#183939 (724/860) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<&ScaryLptp> on my blackberry I have a turret voice from Portal that says "preparing to dispense product" when I get email for one account. I just stepped up to a urinal beside 2 people and had it go off and I couldn't stop laughing. surprised I didn't piss all over myself.
<&ScaryLptp> unzip, "preparing to dispense product"Comment: #shsc
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#301557 (723/799) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<oOrEPPiEOo> what's the furthest you've gone, in baseball analogies
<oOrEPPiEOo> with a member of the opposite sex
<inline4chan> I've never left the dugout
<Trolly> i get ESPN |
#143464 (722/834) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<[DD]Earl> the age of consent in england was set around 1890..
<[DD]Myxlplk> That's way too high |
#61358 (717/805) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
< withnail> i read a true story in a book today, cracked me up. these guys are on a picket line for striking dock workers or something, and they have a snowman there with a toy cops helmet on and a frown made of stones there. anyway, a senior police officer in his range rover drives past and calls over some of the policemen supervising the picket asking about the snowman and saying he wanted it gone (what a dick) the other police said "well we feel a bit silly kicking down their snowman" so the top brass guy goes "fine! i'll do it myself!" and drives into the snowman......what he didn't know was
< withnail> that it was built over a concrete bollard. wrecked seven shades of shit out of his car |
#264456 (716/944) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
< bsmntbombdood> StumbleUpon has temporarily run out of sites relevant to you. Please sign up for more topics.
< bsmntbombdood> wtf!
< bsmntbombdood> i've run out of internet! |
#52170 (716/1244) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference. |
#85719 (715/793) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
< Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the fucking ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever fucking seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail |
#33726 (715/819) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<Opius>photoshops being screwy
<dal>in what way
<Opius>the stroke tool thingy is being a bitch
<Opius>it lags fro some reason
<Opius>*for
* p4 has joined #hynes
<Opius>So i stroke and stroke and stroke, and it does nothing
<Opius>then all of a sudden it goes nuts and puts white shit all over my work
<p4>i wont askComment: www.opius.tk
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#70207 (708/798) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<LycoLoco> My son has a gameboy advance, and he blows on the cartidges when they don't work. The funny thing, is that this was not taught to him. He just did it on instinct, which leads me to believe that this behavior is inherited not learned. It seems that I've blown into so many nintendo cartridges, that it has changed my DNA... |
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Syswear: Geek & Gamer T-shirts. Discount code QDBREADER
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#162072 (707/843) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<LightFang> I'll be hosting a spelling bee.
<Stellaluna> CAN I BE IN THE SPELLING BE
<Psweet> misspelling "spelling bee" is an automatic disqualification |
#302899 (703/777) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<Pryoidain> What are you trying to hide?
<asaph> Nothing that needs encryption, I just want it to be tricky to find.
<Pryoidain> got a separate /tmp partion?
<asaph> of course.
<Pryoidain> unmount it then copy shit to /tmp. It will actually copy it to the /tmp directory on the ROOT filesystem. then when you remount /tmp, the directory becomes a pointer, pointing to the real one, but without removing any of your files in the physical directory on the root system.
<Pryoidain> No one will ever find them unless /tmp fails to mount, or they're looking for it. even if they're looking for it, they'll see them in /tmp and assume their garbage, that is if you name them right.
<asaph> ...that's fucking genius.
<Pryoidain> I know, I've been hiding my porn under the /boot directory for about 3 years now. |
#143212 (701/789) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<AllAgesDave> There are two seniors in here reading a copy of A Catcher in the Rye, and debating the meaning of the word "illiterate."
<AllAgesDave> One is saying it means "literature" and the other says it means "insane".
<Dre> :-[
<AllAgesDave> They just decided upon "language." Fuck my generation. |
#275427 (699/777) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
< Corbomite> Which will allow me to spend cuntless hours fucking around in Visual Studio?
< Corbomite> countless*
< Vir4030> no, cuntless is accurate too |
#73450 (696/768) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<Buck> the MPAA site has an interesting anti piracy blitz going on for Christmas
<Buck> they say that they're protecting users from buying pirated copies of films
<Buck> then they go on to say that you can recognize pirated films by the fact that they're a lot cheaper, out before or while films are still in theatres, are region free and contain no DRM
<Buck> if I wouldn't have pirated before.. the MPAA sure has convinced me to do it now |
#15 (695/1209) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<emufreak> I HATE CHANNEL TOPICS
<emufreak> WHY MUST THEY EXIST
<emufreak> AND WHY DO I STILL CLICK THEM WHEN THEY END IN .JPG |
#187177 (692/790) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<steven> ok, burning 2 CDs and then we're off to the hospital to have a baby |
#101024 (688/852) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<@Catcher> haha
<@Catcher> i just left a note in my sisters weed box-- "Jes, We need to talk. -Mom"
<@var> hahahahahhaa
< wind`> lol
< TMH> hahaha
<@Catcher> shes going to shit her pants for like 2 seconds until she sees the back of the noteComment: #geekissues @ EFNet
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#34873 (684/834) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<everest> the iraqis captured 4 italians, 2 americans, and a korean
<everest> they're setting up for an offensive joke.
<everest> tomorrow they'll force the hostages to walk into a barComment: #geekissues
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#147631 (680/816) ↑Funny ↓Bad πOld
<KleverOneR> Hey carol...
<KleverOneR> How was the sex? 1 to 10
<Carousel> Which time??
<KleverOneR> Add them all together, then find the average
<Carousel> Hold on
|<-- Carousel has left dalnet (Ping timeout)
<Dayvid> Division by zero is a bitch amiright?
<KleverOneR>... |
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T-Shirt Hell: Talk Nerdy to Me
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