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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..9101112131415..559Next> |
#303802 (813/933) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Pryoidain> Meh, nothing interesting, just another day of me being a complete asshole to unsuspecting citizens
<Pryoidain> A legitimate, honest to god, door to door vacuum salesman came up at the best time.
<Pryoidain> I was vacuuming the rug behing the front door, and he comes up and knocks on it, so I check the peephole
<Pryoidain> It's pretty obvious what you're selling when you're holding a vacuum in one hand.
<Pryoidain> anyways we have one of those canister vacuums where the head pops off so you can attach shit to it for like sucking the fur off your dog or something more productive
<Pryoidain> I pop the head off, and open the door up just enough to where he can see me, but not the vacuum head in my hand.
<Pryoidain> I let him do his little speech, then asked to see his "Papers" to which he produced a sales paper.
<Pryoidain> He went to hand me the paper, I clicked on the vacuum, sucked it clean out of his hand, and slammed the door in his face.
<Pryoidain> Now, I could only experience the look of confusion through the peephole, but he stood out there confused for a good 3-4 minutes before deciding against knocking.
<Pryoidain> He had a few false starts, but never followed through. I think he was worried about what might happen next. |
#300611 (812/938) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Robohunk> A friend of mine took an exam in his French class while on acid once. When friends asked him about it later, he said, "I think I did pretty well. I wrote this great story about a thunderstorm."
<Robohunk>
<Robohunk> The professor called him into his office soon afterwards and showed him the test. It was a piece of paper covered with the words "Noir noir noir, noir BLANC!!! noir noir noir noir noir, noir noir noir BLANC!!!" over and over. |
#299631 (810/952) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<skywalker> hi
<sexiann> hey
<skywalker> how are you?
<sexiann> luke, i need to tell you something
<skywalker> what is it babe?
<sexiann> i know i should probably say this 2 you face-2-face, but im nervous
<sexiann> we've been going out 4 a while now
<sexiann> and things hav been going gr8
<skywalker> yeah
<sexiann> and i think
<sexiann> i think...
<sexiann> i <3 u
<skywalker> i...
<skywalker> i don't understand
<skywalker> you can't have inequalities with imaginary numbers
*** sexiann has quit IRC (leaving) |
#297266 (808/914) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Warchamp7> The other day at work, two of my bosses were trying to find each other in the office
<Warchamp7> And they were yelling "Ping!" back and forth
<Warchamp7> It was one of the greatest moments of my lifeComment: #MAGFest on irc.vgmusic.net
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#12 (807/1394) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Moot> ok, here's what we do
<Moot> we break into AOL HQ
<Moot> and instead of the AOL setup utility, we put metallica mp3s on all of the startup cds |
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#301278 (801/875) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<DaynaGirl> I had an app once... it adjusted your volume to full in all regards... then screamed out into the darkness "Hey!!! Look at me!!! I'm watching PORN over here!!!"
<DaynaGirl> then it kindly returned everything back to normal settings.
<reiser> hahaha DaynaGirl
<zarko> DaynaGirl: i believe i saw such a web site
<zarko> it opened dozens of windows, filled with gay porn, and played that msg repetitively
<zarko> well, it said "GAY porn"
<DaynaGirl> I thought it was so funny... I renamed it "DaynaNude.Exe" and kept a copy on the desktop.
<DaynaGirl> one night at about 2am... I'm awoken to the app playing...
<DaynaGirl> I rush out to my puter to find my mother turning forty shades of purple... |
#92276 (801/987) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<grantk> What do you call a bunch of nerds arguing on the internet
<PetrDoubt> "the internet" |
#31946 (799/895) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Melissa> What in the world was I thinking when I became a mother?
<JohnFlux> Melissa: "oh god, yes yes yes" ? |
#301562 (797/1113) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
bakayuki@live.com: i kinda want to explain to her about the positrons in bananas
bakayuki@live.com: and see if i can get her to think eating moar bananas will slow down time...
FRIN NY KAO: do it
baka.yuki@live.com: if she comes in tomorrow shoving bananas down her throat i win at life
FRIN NY KAO: /awesom
FRIN NY KAO: do it
baka.yuki@live.com: already talking to her
baka.yuki@live.com: i'm backing it up with fancy science problems
baka.yuki@live.com: which is actually just my chem homework
FRIN NY KAO: HAHAHAHA
baka.yuki@live.com: i just showed her an mole-balanced equation for how iron and water become rust
FRIN NY KAO: oh wow
baka.yuki@live.com: and explained that was the pime taradox equation
baka.yuki@live.com: if she runs in to another /b/ tard he's gonna have a field day
FRIN NY KAO: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
baka.yuki@live.com: she's an english major
baka.yuki@live.com: of course she is
FRIN NY KAO: you're bullshitting
FRIN NY KAO: she bought it?
baka.yuki@live.com: why didn't i think of that
baka.yuki@live.com: she took it hook line and sinker
baka.yuki@live.com: "oh so thats why i feel so slow and bloated when i eat to many bananas"
baka.yuki@live.com: i almost couldn't keep a straight face
FRIN NY KAO: aw dude
baka.yuki@live.com: "yes exactly, the sodium is slowing down your time sphere"
FRIN NY KAO: ever seen commercials for 'the invention of lying'?
baka.yuki@live.com: nope
FRIN NY KAO: oh
FRIN NY KAO: tl;dr
FRIN NY KAO: THE WORLD IS GOING TO END UNLESS WE HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW
FRIN NY KAO: response?
FRIN NY KAO: do we have time to get to a motel room?
FRIN NY KAO: that woman
FRIN NY KAO: is banana girl
baka.yuki@live.com: she's going on and on about odd experiences she's had with bananas
baka.yuki@live.com: i'm having
FRIN NY KAO: oh
baka.yuki@live.com: real issues
FRIN NY KAO: god
baka.yuki@live.com: not laughing
baka.yuki@live.com: like i can feel my face contorting
FRIN NY KAO: if she asks you whats wrong
FRIN NY KAO: you should just say
baka.yuki@live.com: i ate a banana
FRIN NY KAO: im sorry, you're just a total idiot
baka.yuki@live.com: no i told her i ate a banana and then an orange earlier
baka.yuki@live.com: and now they're duking it out
FRIN NY KAO: what
baka.yuki@live.com: she bought it
baka.yuki@live.com: and feels bad for the orange
FRIN NY KAO: i feel bad for her parents
baka.yuki@live.com: oh thank god
baka.yuki@live.com: she's leaving
baka.yuki@live.com: HAHAHAHAHAHA
baka.yuki@live.com: i WIN
baka.yuki@live.com: "Well I wanna go to the cafeteria to get some bananas, I have an exam this afternoon and a few more hours would be nice"
FRIN NY KAO: OH GOD
FRIN NY KAO: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
baka.yuki@live.com: I told her she wont physically notice the difference but to just keep eating them
baka.yuki@live.com: you can't make this shit up
FRIN NY KAO: oh god
baka.yuki@live.com: how do these people function
FRIN NY KAO: iunno
baka.yuki@live.com: the guy in the cube next to me heard the whole conversation
baka.yuki@live.com: he just asked to shake my hand
FRIN NY KAO: HAHAHAHAHA
baka.yuki@live.com: "I want to shake the hand of the man, who is the greatest troll I have ever met"
FRIN NY KAO: remember that comment about another /b/tard?
FRIN NY KAO: well, you met him rather than her
FRIN NY KAO: fuck
FRIN NY KAO: you won so hard
FRIN NY KAO: you found the motherfucking holy grail
baka.yuki@live.com: i want her number so I can like
baka.yuki@live.com: have something to do when bored
baka.yuki@live.com: just call her up and troll her
FRIN NY KAO: "hey, water causes you to develop tumors faster"
baka.yuki@live.com: the feeling bad for the orange
baka.yuki@live.com: that
baka.yuki@live.com: that about killed me |
#298212 (793/877) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
CoJaBo> Tho technicly, if its combusting at a subsonic rate, its called defloration..
RADiX> Thanks, Ill fix it on the way to class :)
! RADiX has quit (Leaving).
CoJaBo> *Deflagration, lol that would have been bad o_O
CoJaBo> uh-oh... |
#257436 (789/915) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Yo_Mamma> So Jimbot, what are you wearing?
<ichai> no
<ichai> you are not having cyber sex with my IRC bot |
#64493 (785/929) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<DinkyDogg> my mom and sister and i had an awesome moment going through security on the way back from Ireland
<DinkyDogg> I was reading the sign about the prohibited items, and it went something like this:
<DinkyDogg> Me: Looks like I can't go on board, because my 'tool' is more than 7 inches.
<DinkyDogg> Rachel: Jake!
<DinkyDogg> Mom: And also no "club-like objects"
<DinkyDogg> Rachel: MOM!!!!!
<DinkyDogg> *Rachel cries* |
#28309 (784/864) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say |
#227362 (782/980) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<TheCheat> I'm pissed off! I'm hungry, bored, my gf's knocked up, and bitchy, i'm smoking my last cig, i'm out of wee, my d key doesn't work all the time and my internet sucks cus i have to use a cell phone to get on line, that locks up when ever it feels like it!
<@carnt> TheCheat: Hi! It looks like you're blogging on IRC. Would you like to: [Add Comments] [e-Mail this to a Friend] [Digg This!] [Submit to Slashdot] [Add to del.icio.us] [Commit suicide because nobody cares] |
#116288 (778/868) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver! |
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The London Vandal Store, you should check it out.
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#159419 (776/856) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight asshole
cyph33r: YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I FUCKING HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE |
#187397 (769/921) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
osirisx11: i had an awkward moment with my boss just now
osirisx11: he went for the pound and i went for the handshake, and i shook his fist |
#68894 (770/868) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<sysv> omg i was so fucking stoned yesterday
<sysv> got off the wrong level on the lift at work today
<sysv> all the floors have the same layout, and the tech center is in the same place per each floor
<sysv> so i goes and gets off at some chinese engineering level in our building
<sysv> walk into the office, through the office, and sit down in my chair in the server room
<sysv> i'm like "My, this chair is so comfy!... When did we upgrade our servers to Quad Xeon's?"...
<sysv> and people are coming to me asking for help, so I'm helping and shit, doing my job...
<sysv> 4 hours into it, someone asks me if I'm Guy Yee's assistant... and I'm like "who the fuck is Guy Yee?"...
<sysv> things went downhill from there, once they realized (and i realized) I didn't work on that level
<sysv> but they were happy to pay me for my 4 hours of time, and send me on my way down the lift to my companies level... i was wonderin why everyone was so fucking nice to me
<sysv> -_- |
#30241 (768/992) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<jimx> Two families move from Lebanon to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet - in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win.
<jimx> A year later they meet again:
<jimx> The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
<jimx> The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."
<Fiery_isles> haha
<Tarrasque> hahaah |
#102983 (761/883) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<helf> lljhihkuggigfi
<helf> oh good
<helf> still connected
<helf> everything died for a second
<leavengood> I wonder what happened to helf
<leavengood> wasn't he here a while ago?
<helf> I'm HERE!
<DaaT> maybe he timed out?
<leavengood> too bad
* helf waves arms around
<leavengood> I was going to offer him money
<helf> can't you see me?!!?
<DaaT> better for the chan if he's gone anyway
<DaaT> imho
<leavengood> yeah
<helf> :( |
#64573 (754/824) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
[b] "If you're ever interviewed for a programming job at a big company, you're
gonna get questions like this. At Yahoo! they asked me one about how to figure out which one of 1000 bottles of wine was poisoned, using less than 10 prisoners as 'test subjects'."
[b] I'd tell the prisoners that if they don't work it out on their own, I'll kill them all
[ctho] that's the answer that gets you hired for upper management |
#157664 (752/962) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<y-yeah> UGH one of our birds died
<y-yeah> how to properly dispose of parakeet corpse
<stynxno> toilet
<bp> blender
<duckstab> do you have a deep fryer |
#235864 (751/837) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<Tom> here's a tip, you can't substitute a washing machine for a dish washer
<Ben> ...
<Tom> can you hear the noise from up the street?
<Ben> no... which way around did you mix them up?
<Tom> I tried cutlery in the washing machine. it's scratching the door up
<Ben> !!!!!! are you insane?
<Tom> nowai
<Ben> knives at 1200RPM
<Tom> it won't be 1200RPM
<Ben> it will when it gets to the spin cycle
<Tom> !
<Tom> brb |
#33547 (751/861) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<JerryBeep> There are two kinds of jokes in the world: Jokes that people respond to by saying "lol" and funny jokes.
<BAng> lol
<JerryBeep> you bastard. |
#152145 (735/963) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny πOld
<jaminkle> my friends asked me out to a club last night
<jaminkle> and i said ill go if they are going to play good music
<jaminkle> they were like yeah its trance night so i was like ok sweet
<Wabbit98> and it was gay music?
<jaminkle> we walk in there and it was 80's night and Rick Astley was playing
<jaminkle> i got fucking rick rolled! |
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